The Truth
INBRED YOKELS REJOICE! This was the last weekend this season you will be confused by right turns. I know it is nerve-racking every time you see a stock car turn right, especially since it reminds you of the time you flipped your pick-up in the right-hand ditch after drinking a pint of corn squeezin’s, but if you can get past the post-traumatic stress disorder, road racing is some of the best racing you will see all year, especially at Watkins Glen.
First, I would be remiss if I didn’t address Ray Evernham’s
“screw you-ing” of Jeremy Mayfield. Now
I know your head is clouded by visions of Erin Crocker polishing your knob
wearing her oddly
shaped eyeglasses, but Ray, this guy has put your car in the Chase two
times in two years. Granted, he would
not be doing it this year, but I have to believe the big reason for this is you
stripping the #19 team of all of its equipment and giving it to Kasey Kahne,
who, by the way, will not be putting the #9 in the Chase this year either. Basically, you pinned down your more
consistent driver so your more marketable driver would have a shot at the
Chase. Oops, you blew it. Now you want Elliott Sadler, an even bigger
disappointment, in for
Second, the Busch race. There is a reason Cup guys like driving Busch cars and it is not just for the extra “practice and testing”. It is the fact that these cars are smaller and have more downforce. No way would you ever get a last lap like that with two Cup cars because they would just spin out. Kurt Busch and Robby Gordon put on a show like none we have seen in NASCAR in years, yet people do not like road racing. Good thing we can watch them parade around Michigan for 400 miles next week. That is REAL racing.
On to the AMD at The Glen. Once again we were “blessed” with NBC’s coverage for this race. Luckily, the pre-race was only a half-hour long and mostly unmemorable. Yes everyone saw the Toyota signs all over the track, but did you notice during driver introductions they were all tooling around in Tundras? Toyota is playing for keeps, so get over it. Kasey Kahne took an underhanded shot at Robby Gordon for the wreck at Indy last week by stating his main goal for the day was to, “stay out of Robby Gordon’s way”. Um, Kasey, Robby wrecked Biffle behind you last week and had nothing to do with your wreck. Have you been inhaling too much airbrush toenail polish fumes? Then Junior, who for the last few weeks has sounded real depressed about his team’s performance, joked that, “my car can win, I don’t know if I can”. Way to give up on the season. I’m sure your sponsors and huge fan-base appreciate it.
Did you notice I said “mostly” unmemorable? These next things will stick with me for a while—Eva Busch’s slightly sweaty breasts during the National Anthem and Wally’s World with Kristen Chenoweth. When she was orgasmically yelling, “Oh, oh, oh, oh” as Wally went through the inner loop, I really appreciated the fact that Wally was not slowing down like he usually does. Thank GOD he is a pervert!
The best part about this race was all of the controversy—not that there were a lot of controversial calls. But the fact that NASCAR played it by the book and caught flack for it amazes me, especially because they are always accused of ignoring the rules. First, the Kurt Busch deal. He caught an unlucky break when the caution flag flew just as he was making a green flag pit stop. The red pit closed light flipped on when he was about two car lengths from the entrance to pit road. People keep saying, “What was he supposed to do?! He could not go back out on the track without committing a cone violation!” This is true, BUT it does not mean he had no other option. NASCAR rules say that you can head down pit road while it is closed, without penalty, as long as you do not stop in your pit. He and Roy McCauley both know that rule and they both decided to stupidly ignore it. Then when NASCAR radioed the team that the pits were closed, they still decided to pit and claimed their radio “did not work”. Nice try ladies. You clearly broke the rule, yet NASCAR is the bad guy. Before the race, Kurt Busch said, he was looking for, “a nice solid run,” wanted to, “come home with a good finish,” and was, “just big picture racing.” With Junior, Jeff Gordon, Kasey Kahne, and Greg Biffle all having poor days, was the #2 team big picture racing? Nope, they were being greedy. Winning the pole for both the Busch and Cup race and winning the Busch race was not enough to be happy with a top 5. Better luck next year.
Second, the last lap incident. We will probably never know why NASCAR did
not throw the yellow once the pile-up started, but the rules do not change just
because another driver spins. Of course,
NBC has no video of the whole thing outside of Boris Said bypassing the inner
loop, so we are at the mercy of NASCAR’s explanation. Boris
Said and Ron Fellows were handed 30-second penalties for overshooting the inner
loop and were penalized for not stopping at the exit before blending back into
the race. Rules are rules,
dipshits! Just because you are ringers
and only show up twice a year does not mean you get to ignore them. Every other driver out there went through the
inner loop, including Kasey Kahne, who’s
NASCAR-mandated last lap incident, designed to keep Junior in the Chase, cost
him a good finish as well. Pay attention
in the drivers’ meeting or keep your asses in California and Canada, respectively.
Third, Kyle Busch
sets a record with five Lucky Dogs in one race.
He would not have had to use them if the chassis shop over at Hendrick
Motor Sports decided to double check all swaybars after Gordon’s little swaybar
problem at Indy. It was probably just
some new way they were trying to cheat anyway.
Here is what they need to do with the Lucky Dog—you get it if you are
within a quarter of a lap of the leader for a maximum of two times per race. If it is designed to replace racing back to the
line, only give it to those who would be in position to do so. I’m sorry, if you have equipment failure that
requires ten minutes in the garage to fix, the only way you are entitled to a
top-10 finish is to pass the leader five times yourself.
Ultimately, Kevin
Harvick won his second race of the year.
A nice stat all by itself, but the way he did it was impressive. He outdrove and out-horsepowered Tony
Stewart, the winner of three of the last four races at Watkins Glen. Now I have to believe since Tony and Kevin
are such good friends that Tony did not bang on him like he would have say,
Robby Gordon. Harvick
passed him with horsepower and drove away from him, climbing to third in points
and making himself a serious championship threat. Either that or Tony’s fat ass was bogging him
down, although that sprint job to congratulate Harvick in the middle of his own
interview was impressive. He must have
thought the #29 magically produced Reese’s Cups after a win.
Finally, this week’s Benny Parsons watch has him sounding like he just got through gargling a shot of glass shards. Care now to argue for the Winston logo hanging all over everything? Maybe in 25 years when half of the population has softball-size tumors hanging off their cell phone ear the Nextel experiment will be deemed a poor one as well. Can’t handle it? Tough shit, it’s THE TRUTH!!!!
