The Truth

What in the hell happened to Talladega? Last October the new surface was smooth, had four racing grooves, and made for one hell of a safe and entertaining race. Now 6 ½ months later, it is a two groove track with no means of passing. The bottom two grooves are much slower than the top two through the corners, which meant 40+ laps were spent single file because even a line of ten cars could get freight trained on the bottom. At least it was the last time the aero cars will be used, and this October, the much more exciting COT hits the high banks of Talladega.

Since I have not been around for a while, I want to start off by talking about Jeff Gordon. This fast little faggot is having an epic season. His 4.1 average finish over the first nine races is unprecedented, at least since the Petty’s stopped racing the milkman, the dogcatcher, and the kid who white-washed the neighborhood fences, and over the last five races, that average is 2.2. He is averaging nearly 20 points more per race than his nearest full-time competitor (Matt Kenseth without the penalty) this season, with that number jumping to 35 over the last five. He has sat on five poles this season (many more if you include non-racing poles) and leads the points standings by 203 points, a number that translates to a 812 point advantage after Homestead if this keeps up and you use the old points system. But if the Chase started today, he would be in second, ten points behind Jimmie Johnson and ten points ahead of Matt Kenseth, Jeff Burton, Kyle Busch, and Kevin Harvick. How is that for a fine kick in the ass?

Which leads me to my next point, it is hardly coincidental that when NASCAR travels to the capitol of Junior Nation, the dumbest f***s show up to the race. While it is comforting to see that these Homo erectii figured out a full can flies further than an empty one, anybody who throws anything on the track should be tied to a post and suffer the same treatment. I do realize that these idiots also comprise the majority of the Klan and Lynard Skynard audiences, but this does not give them carte blanche to hand out the equivalent of a stoning. No driver deserves to be pelted with anything, let alone cans of beer (I highly doubt there was even one soft drink can on the track). These jackasses are incapable of accepting the fact that Junior will never come close to the success of Jeff Gordon, but they should also figure out that this is no fault of Jeff’s. God forbid the class of the field wins a race that should be handed to Junior the way the 2001 Pepsi 400 was. And you can bet that even after watching Gordon pass him on his birthday, Senior would be the first one to climb into the stands and smack the shit out of anyone he saw throw something on the track. Junior is one of the classiest acts to ever put on a fire suit and is embarrassed that these douche bags are wearing red. Let’s see how many cans go flying next time when they are paying $6 apiece at the concession stands.

I predict that Kyle Busch will be retarded by Memorial Day. In the past few weeks this dork has hit the wall as hard as possible more times than Shane Hmiel after an 8 ball. Six laps after the one-man wrecking crew Jimmie Johnson’s vision was hazed over with rage after having flashbacks to Brian Vickers driving the #25 and put Casey Mears in the wall, he got nervous when he sees Tony Raines to his inside and decides to yank the wheel right, resulting in Busch and Joe Nemecheck smashing the hell out of the inside wall and knocking his second and third Hendrick car out of the race. I know of no other driver in NASCAR responsible over his career for knocking more cars out of plate races and continuing on than Johnson. Maybe Val Kilmer should smack gum in Jimmie’s face and say, “You’re DANGEROUS Mav!” so he will relax a little. Greg Biffle isn’t too far behind after he for some reason just decided to wreck Johnny Sauter during the green/white/checkers.

Also by Memorial Day, Tony Stewart will be in jail for attempted or actual murder. He is absolutely losing his crazy mind. Without boring you to death with details you already know, I want to concentrate on something nobody is talking about—his shaky-voiced rant about David Gilliland. First he called Gilliland a “no talent” because he "just plows in the back of us and takes us out for no reason." He then called it "the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life." This after Tony smacked the wall and shot down the track right in front of Gilliland traveling at speed. Sorry, dipshit, anybody would have hit you there. He then goes on saying it must be retaliation for what he did to Gilliland in the Busch race. I hate to break it to you, crazy, but if you think you gave him reason exactly one day earlier to take you out of the race, you should not be pissed off. Then he little girl’s it and says of Gilliland, “No talent there," who "lucked into his Cup ride" after one Busch win. Expect him to completely lose his mind here in the next few weeks.

So now it is on to Richmond where the COT promises to bring another exciting race to the table. I was watching a 1996 Richmond race the other day on ESPN Classic and realized that if you stuck a spoiler on the rear of those cars, you have the COT. People continue to worship “the good ole’ days” and bash the COT, which baffles me. Three COT races, three great races. Six “old car” races, most snooze-fests. If the COT brings exciting races to the fans, sit back and enjoy. Otherwise, NBC’s ratings are their lowest ever and they would be happy to have you watch whatever crap they are running opposite NASCAR. Can’t handle it? Tough shit, it’s THE TRUTH!

The Fan