The
Truth
Indianapolis. The Brickyard. When I hear these two words the first thing to come to my mind is Allstate Insurance. Thanks, corporate America! Anyway, the racing here sucks. It has since they decided stock cars needed to run here back in 1994. Remember back then when they ran the race on Saturday so it could be carried on network TV? Bill France could invent a new day of the week on which to run this race and it would still suck. Best of all it is on NBC, a network that will screw it up royally. To start it off, their pre-race begins with five minutes of football hype. Next, “Wally’s World” has Chris Noth from Law & Order: Criminal Intent along for a ride. Three questions: 1) Who, 2) Who in the hell watches that show, and 3) You couldn’t come up with a bigger celebrity than this to ride along on your biggest broadcast of the year? Then Bill Weber is introducing a segment recapping Tony Stewart’s win last year at the Brickyard and says, “Tony is an American Racing Idol, the only problem is sometimes he’s the appreciative and apologetic Paula Abdul, other times he’s the evil Simon Cowbell.” Now I’m glad NBC has thrown work in the direction of the former writers of Joey, but why plug a show on FOX when you have your own talent show, America’s Got Talent, as the number one show of the summer? Replace Cowell with Piers Morgan and Abdul with Brandy and cross promote, douches! After watching that Stewart segment, the only thing that stuck was the fact that his ass has doubled in size since last year. He was clean-shaven and well groomed for last year’s race, and this year he looked like he slept in a bus station. How long before Mojo has to wipe your ass for you, fatty? On the brighter side, it was the first race in 940 without a Waltrip.
Finally the race starts. We were promised tire problems and the chance to see horrifying, disfiguring wrecks and we got none. In fact, the only tire problem occurred on the 48, which eventually went on to win the race. Johnson looked like he had about ten degrees of camber on that left front so I cannot blame Goodyear for that one, just the cheaters at Hendrick Motorsports. Speaking of these geniuses, you’d think with all of the money Rick Hendrick and his mafia have stolen over the years they could hire a guy who’s sole job is to make sure the sway bar bolts are tight. Bad enough, but NASCAR decides to let Gordon drive around 20 MPH under the minimum required speed for a good five laps waiting on a caution to fix it. To top it off, since it was a “competition caution”, Gordon could pit with the leaders and get another lap under yellow to fix the problem. If this happens to Travis Kvapil, he’s black-flagged and must pit immediately under green. Golden Boy #1 gets his help.
Now the parade continues on with no excitement. The RCR cars, Johnson, Kenseth, and Edwards outclass the field like a Kentucky Derby winner outclasses a mule. Now it is close to the end and Junior is in danger of falling 100+ points out of the Chase. Time for Golden Boy #2 to get his help. A “debris” caution is thrown with seventeen laps to go, and no debris is ever seen. Speculation says it was oil from the 43, but I never once saw speedy dry thrown on the track. Plus, he retired with 25 to go, eight laps before the caution. Therefore, since this caution was for nothing and was the longest caution of the day for four laps, this is the “Junior Caution.” Now NASCAR needs Junior in the Chase if for no other reason so his fans can cancel out the Gordon fans, but this team is shitty right now. Throwing the yellow flag for ten miles allowed Junior’s tires to sufficiently cool and ensured he would have enough fuel to endure a green/white/checker finish. Even that dumb Eury Jr. could figure out that leaving a car at the tail end of the lead lap out would improve its finish. So Junior is back in the Chase and all is right in Bill Franceland.
Boring, boring, boring, hey wait! The last lap is good! Robby Gordon tries to go into turn one underneath Greg Biffle and forgets to slow down, wrecking them both down into the short chute grass. They are in nobody’s way, so NASCAR rightly holds the yellow being that it is the last lap. Completely unrelated, Kasey Kahne tries to pass Tony Stewart on the inside going into turn three. Now the replay is vague, but either Carl Edwards takes the air off of Kahne’s car or taps him in the corner, making Kasey real loose. Edwards dives into the grass, Kasey overcorrects, and takes one of the hardest hits in the history of NASCAR as he T-bones the short chute wall. Only his HANS device saves us from the sweet relief of never having to see those stupid desperate housewives commercials again. Too bad Stewart’s fat orange blubber isn’t smeared along the wall as well. Johnson wins, Kenseth is second, and Harvick is third in a preview of the three that will race for the Nextel Cup at Homestead.
On a serious note, I hope all goes well for Benny Parsons as he fights lung cancer. I also hope cordless microphones do not work inside an iron lung. Can’t handle it? Tough shit, it’s THE TRUTH!!!!